i wanna be reckless but i'm feeling so uptight.

inchofsanityy
felt like a change
feeling like lots of changes recently

fuck pre-anatomy
fuck college
i'm not going to be a fucking doctor
why did i take this course

fuck dr. keilig and his 178-question exams

i need to breathe
but writing out my exam schedule would work better i think
because it gives me the illusion of doing something productive

5th
7:25 - 10:30 -- ap us history two
11:45 - 2:00 -- ap english ten
2:00 - 3:20 -- world history

6th
9:00 - 11:45 -- algebra two (fuck my fucking LIFE GOD I'M GOING TO FUCKING FAIL THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY I'M PASSING THIS FUCKING EXAM FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK)
12:00 - 3:10 -- ap independent literature

7th
7:45 - 9:30 -- natural sciences one
10:00 - 2:15 -- pre-anatomy one
thank god only two fuckin exams but they're the hardest.

8th
9:00 - 11:15 -- history of fine arts
11:45 - 1:15 -- my fuckin writing tech app. god im fucking screwed on that ~fuck me~

nobody fuckin gets it
I'M NOT AS SMART AS PEOPLE SEEM TO FUCKIN THINK
I'M REALLY NOT
I CANT FUCKIN DO THIS

 

( moar )

between the alkaline trio and rammstein pins on my bag, there's a pink jonas brothers pin.
yeah. i fucking like the jonas brothers. if that really makes you so ~excited~ or at least excited enough to call me a poser or tell me that my music taste sucks, please do the entire world a favor and slit your fucking wrists.

( gasp. )

 

( mememememememe )</div>

you make me so happy, and i'm so glad i get to see you every day.
that's all.
i love you so much.

i'm having one of those weird sad days. lucas is coming to pick me up in twenty minutes, so i think things are going to be okay after that, but... i don't know. i hope so.
i'm really happy that i'm finally starting to update 'the deep end', even if i don't know where the plot is going. i should probably brainstorm about that; i haven't thought about plots for anything for about a month now and it's hard to get back into the habit.
anyway. i think i'm going to call lucas and ask him to pick me up early. i doubt he'll mind.

today:
12:00 to 1:00: driving to ottumwa.
1:00 PM: lunch at Roe's in ottumwa; excited about this, because She Swings, She Sways might be back in town and if they are they'll definitely drop in at Roe's at 1:30, or so john gordon said.
2:00 PM: shopping. mom gave me $40, which means i'll get dad's shopping done today, and help lucas pick out things for his family. his sister is easy to shop for; it's just getting someone to buy the alcohol that makes it hard. i might look for The Fountainhead while i'm there.
4:00 to 5:00: driving to centerville.
5:00 PM helping lucas with his english paper. actually kind of happy about this.
6:00 PM to 9:00 PM: playing H3 with lucas, zac, john, erik, kevin, tad, CJ, burch, jamie, and brett at brett's house. i am terrible at H3, but taylor and shelby will probably be there, so i can just sit there and laugh at jamie and erik being terrible.
9:00 PM to 11:30 PM: watching the dark knight at dave's house with dave and shane and lucas. i would not be too excited but lucas hasn't ever seen it.
11:30 PM to 1:00 AM: car tag!

The last time I saw you, you turned away
I couldn't see with the sun shining in my eyes
I said hello but you kept on walking
I'm going deaf from the sound of the freeway

The last time I saw you, you turned away
I couldn't hear with your voice ringing in my ears
Do you remember where we used to sleep at night?
I couldn't feel you you're always so far away

The first time I saw you, you turned away
I couldn't see with the smoke getting in my eyes
I said hello but you kept on walking
I'm going deaf from the sound of the DJ

The first time I saw you, you turned away
I couldn't hear with the noise ringing in my ears
Do you remember where we used to sleep at night?
I couldn't feel you You're always so far away

I don't, don't want to take you home
Please don't, don't make me sleep alone
If I could, I'd only want to make you smile
If you want to stay with me a while

The next time I see you, you'll turn away
I'll say hello but you'll keep on walking
The next time you see me I'll turn away

Do you remember where we used to sleep at night?
I couldn't feel you you're always so far away

I don't, don't want to take you home
Please don't, don't make me sleep alone
If I could, I'd only want to make you smile
If you want to stay with me a while

I don't, don't want to take you home
Please don't, don't make me sleep alone
If I could, I'd only want to make you smile
If you want to stay with me a while

i don't even miss you. we were never particularly close, now that i can think about it without being biased; the only reason i think i ever considered you a good friend was because of tyler and shane. it would have been strange to exclude you.
i won't deny it; sometimes when i'm online i'll think about messaging you. but, honestly, i've got better things to do; you won't message me back, for reasons i neither know nor care about. i would like to have a conversation with you, but every time i try, you ignore me. even if i see you face-to-face; you made no effort to contact me last weekend when you were down. if you're going to do it like that, at least try tyler's way, and tell people not to tell me; it hurts when it comes from dave, that you were down and didn't want to see me.
at least pretend to know me when you see me, okay? that's all i'm asking for.

Please understand
This isn't just goodbye
This is I can't stand you
This is where the road crashed into the ocean
It rises all around me
And now we're barely breathing
A thousand faces we'll choose to ignore

Curse my enemies forever
Let's slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful
This desperation leaves me overjoyed
With fading lights that lead us past the lives that we destroy

I listen to you cry
A cry for less attention
But both my hands are tied
And I'm pushed into the deep end
I listen to you talk but talk is cheap
And my mouth is filled with blood
From trying not to speak
So search for an excuse
And someone to believe you
In foreign dressing rooms
I'm empty with the need to

Curse my enemies forever
Let's slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful
This desperation leaves me overjoyed
With fading lights that lead us past the lives that we destroy

Curse my enemies forever
Let's slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful
This desperation is leaving me overjoyed
With fading lights that lead us past the lives that we destroy

Please understand

Lay rotting where I fall
I'm dead from bad intentions
Suffocated and embalmed
And now all our dreams are cashed in
You swore you wouldn't lose then lost your brain
You make a sound that feels like pain

So please understand
This isn't just goodbye
This is I can't stand you

it's so weird to think that there was a point in my life where you knew everything about me. i was so open with you, and you threw it away. you threw me away. us.
i considered you my brother, my best friend. and... there's nothing left. i can't have a conversation with you without it turning into a fight. i know you'll try and blame this on dave, or someone else, but this started before any of that.
god, i can't fucking stand you. i can't believe i would ever say that about you, of all people, but it seems like lately i've been destroying a lot of old relationships. first liza (although i like to think that that's not destroyed, per se), then zeth, now you. you're the only one that doesn't even hurt, though. and, you know what? i'm almost glad that i never got anything from you. but i can't be perfectly honest when i say that.
because, no matter how much i dislike you now, i can't forget that, at one point, you were my best friend. i loved you, i might have even been in love with you. i can't just throw that away-- you can, but i can't.
i can remember how you used to care about me, and i can't throw that away.

yesterday after school, trent and i explored an abandoned house.
well, I explored it; he had already been through it with alex cochran on a picture-taking quest. they didn't really think about the house, though; all alex wanted to do was take pictures (surprise!).
the house is two stories and much smaller than i had anticipated. there are three rooms on the first floor-- we didn't find a bathroom on either floor, which was strange. the first room has a broken-down couch and a moldy piano. the keys of the piano are wooden. the second room is covered in old newspapers and magazines. all of the newspapers we could find were from february to may 1963. the third room was a kitchen at some point, i presume. there is no refridgerator, but there is a stove. we tried to open it, but it is stuck shut.
we went upstairs, one after the other, because the staircase is so narrow. the room that the staircase leads to is frightening; there are clothes scattered everywhere. i know that this sounds like a cheap horror novel, but that's what is there; a lot of women's clothing and a few different shoes. apparently alex put on a dress that was there when she and trent took their pictures; trent says that the dress fit her perfectly. the second room upstairs is also full of papers. these range from october to december 1963, and from how many are up there, i would say that there are enough to span every day in those months. we found some books, too, and there was a peice of cardboard with something sown into it. it looks like an eye, but i don't know; trent brought it with him to look at it more closely at home.
we went back downstairs and looked more closely at the main room, what he and i call the living room. he found a children's coloring book about the Creation, an a magazine that neither of us looked too closely at. i found a newspaper (another strange thing about them-- they were all completely whole). we left after that, taking four things: a christmas card, the newspaper, the magazine, and the coloring book.
it wasn't until we got to the movie theater, after the game, that he started to look more closely at the coloring book.
property of: viola selix.

fuck.
im so sick of dealing with everything and everyone right now atm. i want to play. i want to sing. thats fucking it tbh, i want to be in minneapolis, i dont care if its cold or hot or rainy or theres a fucking blizzard, i want to BE OUT OF THIS TOWN, i want to LEAVE. for good. fuck. im so sick of everyone knowing everything. welcome to a small town, emily. fuck!
EVERYONE HAS SO MUCH BULLSHIT TO DEAL WITH. i have this nasty tendency to think that people are as perfect as they seem and then i get a fuckin bomb dropped on my head when i found out that they arent. when i find out that people DON'T LISTEN, even when they ask my advice.
and when i find out that people are in fact FUCKING RETARDED. don't assume shit. if you think this is about you, you are wrong. this is not about any certain person or any certain people, so get off your fucking ego trip and realize that there are in fact other people and that my life does not revolve around somebody's issue with me. fuck. people are fucking idiots. children! they/you are fucking children! i think i addressed this in an earlier blog, but i am also pretty sure that said blog was written under the influence of crazy. so. maybe that particular blog is not one that i should refer people to.
goddamn it.
do whatever you want. any of you reading this (there are a few that i am excluding, and i dont know if youre actually reading this-- but if you are, the exluded are john and cj), do whatever you fuckin want. i could honestly care less atm. i have TOO MUCH SHIT of my own to deal with before i deal with your fuckin problems! im finally learning what tyler learned a long-ass time ago. leave people alone. dont get involved. yeah, theyre your friends, but that doesnt mean that you need to be involved in every thing they do. fuck.
fuck!!